Cosplayer vs Photographer O_O

So yeah, the question is : WHY THE HELL AM I TURNING AWAY FROM COSPLAY?

Arghfhfhrhhrhfhkjkjfg...alot of similar questions about this sia xDDD Honestly, i dont know what to say. i dont even know where to start OTL so lemme just start with what i think bout it and u'll get the flow ^^; 

COSPLAY. It's not a whatever-u wanna call-it hobby (it's not that simple k). Not just to be the model and show off. Not just to tell the world how big ur pocket hole is because of it. To tell the truth, i have grown to understand that cosplay is not just a show. I didn't show cosplay but I feel cosplay..I cosplay to feel. It's not that ordinary feel fun/enthuthiast cosplay. It's something else. Something that cnnt be described. Something that made me wanna feel it again and again. Can't stop. Can't think anything else. Not even a second. And there was no time for others- I WAS ADDICTED.

March 2010, admitted to the hospital. Finally i can stop abusing myself. A bit more dehydration one of my kidney would've be gone (LUCKILY MY KIDNEY IS FINE 8D). It made me cried that night to realise how important cosplay was to me and there's no second chance. I would probably start killing myself once more and so i decided to let go. I felt my heart being torn apart (felt worst- more than being dumped by ur loved ones). It hurts badly. Really. And the only thing i can remember about how i feel at that time was...

LOST.

I didn't know what to do. Clueless. And it's the worst feeling ever. To think that im loosing something. Im loosing people around me. My dearest friends. Seeing each other but there'll be a gap between us and i can just feel it. I must lie if i say 'i dont wanna cosplay'. Seeing a cosplayer only made my heart ache. but I just can't. There's a barrier and im fully aware of it. I cant live without anything related to cosplay. I still wanna feel it...feel cosplay...So i will try to CAPTURE that 'feelling' in other people from now on.

Haha...hope this clears bit why im retiring ^__^

I love cosplay. I really do. But i love myself even more...<3 <3 <3

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